THERE'S a niche on the Net for both Nerds and Nitwits - but it's hard to get the message across to self-designated idiots.

Anyone who spends time on the Internet soon realizes this is a wonderful world of excitement and opportunity for the old and lonely; the housebound (or semi-demented mothers of small children), and the chronically bored.

But just try telling these people that.

Excuses will range from 'can't type' and 'no time' to I'm too old' or 'too stupid'.

All of which are on a par with the well-worn 'can't cook', which should be 'won't cook', because anyone can open a recipe book and follow the instructions if they want to.

Being naturally short-tempered I am not the ideal person to mount a crusade to rescue nitwits from the consequences of their obstinacy. Although I am genuinely convinced of the extreme worthiness of this cause, actual hands-on instruction could, in my case, be a euphemism for throttling.

When a bright young woman told me she and her husband would probably have to get a computer at home soon , 'For Matthew' (aged three), I erupted with fury, screamed, swore and swung from the lights. She was astonished.

I had just finished speaking to her about newsletters, expanding one's horizons, and search engines, so to be fobbed off with an infant prodigy was too much.

Of course I am all for encouraging the young , but it is long past time the myth, that the Internet is strictly a playing field for the under 30's, was exploded.

For a start it's not true. Under 30's are just as likely to be technically challenged as over 40's (although with less reason). And not all teenagers are in line to succeed Bill Gates.

I may even take a swipe at the next adoring grandmother who starts bragging about Darling So-And-So, who can do 'absolutely anything with a computer' - which is usually granny's excuse for doing absolutely nothing.

If you have the misfortune to meet the little beast and feel obliged to engage him, her, or it in a meaningful conversation, don't be surprised when your respectful questions (about computer problems) are met with a blank stare. Difficult though it may be to accept, the juvenile genius hasn't a clue what you are talking about.

Perhaps the best way to get at the uninitiated - in order to save them from themselves - is to embark on tempting tales about the joys of close email contact with far-flung families, photographs of beautiful grandchildren spinning through cyberspace etc, etc.

However, after the computer is installed and the family is happily communicating, do not kid yourself your work is over. Your protégé, nine times out of ten, will still need constant prodding.

Sad to relate, without constant encouragement and supervision, some of these novices, after two or three years, still won't know what the Reply button in an email program is actually for.

Fortunately, however, there are exceptions.

Sometimes a 'pupil' proves so naturally talented that the roles are quickly reversed - and suddenly you start feeling helpless and inadequate all over again.

Copyright 2000 Sheldene Chant