IF you yearn for fame and fortune don't pin your hopes on writing a novel, because you are far more likely to succeed by working at 'How To' books - prolifically.

Apparently most readers want to be taught rather than titillated. So root out all your hidden skills and talents.

People search diligently for information on just about everything. This makes choosing your subject a breeze, particularly if you are well versed in healthcare, helping, car mechanics, growing vegetables and other worthy, even vaguely boring, pastimes.

I long to write a 'How To' book but do I actually know how to do anything? Of course I have learnt enough to get by but one should be expert in one's chosen field. Another essential is the capacity for enthusiasm because you must, above all, be raring to convert others to your way of thinking or doing.

In short, you must enjoy writing about what you are writing about. This could be my downfall as I am not entirely convinced 'How To Put Your Foot In It Without Really Trying' and 'How to Torment Your Nearest and Dearest' would have too many takers.

Or it could be a question of reverse psychology - if only I knew a bit more about that.

Dale Carnegie, definitely among the first and foremost of the 'How To' gurus, made his name instructing us how to win friends and influence people - a subject still close to the hearts of all genuine How To'ers.

Could I possibly do something along the lines of 'How NOT to Win Friends and Influence People'?

I suspect this would come quite easily - and could involve a lot of rolling around laughing (by me, if not my readers).

Here's something for you to try the next time you attend a wedding, christening or one of those other events where someone will invariably wax lyrical about connubial bliss.

Let them ramble along for a bit before stating that, in your humble opinion, marriages should automatically self-destruct after ten (20?) (25?) years.

I have only tested this once but it worked out well. I spent the remainder of the function alone, gobbling snacks, while being surreptitiously watched by a number of people who obviously did not want to be friends.

Copyright Sheldene Chant 2000